Over the last few months I have been in a perpetual state of waiting on something. Something that at times felt so right and at other times I also felt wasn't the best thing for me right now. It manifested itself unlike other similar adventures. It was supposed to be straightforward. Not quick - but at least straightforward. It has been anything but straightforward, but the final twist in at least this part of the adventure happened last night.
Now, after several months of waiting, wanting, and wondering, I'm left with the more difficult task for me of letting go. I don't let go easily. I don't end anything easily.
The entire thing has left me at a loss and with a sense of wandering that I've not felt in a while. Is this where I belong? Is this the right place for me? Can I be the best of myself where I am - or is it time to go somewhere else? To do something else? These are never easy questions and while I welcome adventure and opportunity, I'm also fearful and intimidated. I don't let fear and intimidation show - most people see me as only confident and self assured. The fear and intimidation have always been mine alone.
This whole journey is one I've kept relatively private from the blog - out of necessity. However, I've let that "necessity" also be an excuse to not write at all. But not writing has lead to not doing art, not taking photographs, not expressing myself in all the ways that help me to deal with all the things going on around me. That let me get out all the things that are welling up inside right now as I finally put fingers to keyboard again and practice expressing myself.
I was reminded of the power of the words that I type here today when I came across this post from the beautiful Jenny Meyerson. Another family's tragedy both helps me remember to be grateful and to appreciate the simple things in life. It gives perspective that I've been lacking in my own world. It reminds me that if we hold on too tightly to anything we miss the simple opportunities for joy all around us every day.